August 10, 2014
An Update to my column “4 Terrible Golf Tips For Beginners (By a Beginner)”

A few days ago, almost nobody read my latest column. I love it, but I understand. The subject matter is, well, less than compelling: Golf. Boring, I know; but in spite of that, I and many of the commenters seem to really like it. I’m proud of it. Give it a read here:

Now, I’m not writing this (only) to beg you to read a column I’m proud of. I’m writing this to give a small update on my golf game.

Just a few hours ago, my friends and I took our first golf lesson from an instructor. I did quite well. It was a great learning experience. Our lesson was conducted on the driving range of a local fancy golf course my friends and I will never be able to afford to play on. (We usually play of a dirt cheap public course that’s mostly made up of dirt with patches of grass sprinkled throughout).

I was shooting well, until my final shot of the day. I swung, and the club slipped out of my grasp. It flew above my friend’s head, smashed into a fluorescent light bulb over his head. Shards of broken glass and plastic rained down on my friend like snow made of tiny knives.

Here’s the damage:

Every person lined up on the range stopped and stared at my wonderful disaster.  From that moment on, my friends dubbed me “Luis, The Light Breaker,” which I think is far too badass a title than I can ever live up too again, unless I somehow manage to explode the sun.

So, yeah. What I’m trying to say is, you guys should all start calling me Light Breaker now.

1:57pm  |   URL:
Filed under: cracked column golf 
July 20, 2014

multinipple-deactivated20140729 said: What would you do if you saw a woman giving birth on a subway?

Ask her if she could kindly keep her wails to a minimum — my panhandling doo-wop group and I are trying to sing “Earth Angel”.

June 12, 2014

Some years ago, a girl moved in to the apartment across the hall. I ran into her and we had a friendly, neighborly chat.

“So you’re moving into that apartment there?”

She said, “Yeah!”

I said, “The guy who lived there before you killed himself in there!” because that’s how I chit chat.

The expression on her face was as cold and dead as the guy who killed himself in her apartment.

1:15am  |   URL:
Filed under: chit-chat dead guy 
April 24, 2014

imfeelingsassy said: Whoops! Sent that one to early. Anyway. As I was saying. Coming across your cracked article was the best thing that could have happened to me at 2:00 am. It made me laugh so hard, i scared my cat. Hilarity sir.

Thank you! But as a fellow cat owner, making you laugh so hard you scared your cat isn’t too big an accomplishment. If I lightly tap my cat while he’s facing the other way, he turns to me and screams, as if to say, “Dude! You can’t just do that to people! God!”

Also, congrats! You’re the first person to ever ask me a question on Tumblr! I have no prizes for you.

April 19, 2014

Anonymous said: Hi Dan, I really liked your book and the Cracked videos you've been writing/creating lately, but I miss your Friday columns. Are you ever going to go back to being a regular Cracked columnist or are you just too busy with other projects? P.S. You are awesome.


Thanks for the kind words! Unfortunately, my other responsibilities at Cracked make it impossible to keep up a weekly column-writing schedule. That column was a fun little playground for me and I loved having a regular spot, but I won’t say that it was the BEST thing for my general anxiety. I miss it, but if I still had to do a weekly column on top of all other responsibilities I’m pretty sure my brain would leak out of my butt.

The BEST thing about me not having a weekly column is that we’ve been able to bring a bunch new columnists into the fold and I’m super stoked to watch them all grow and challenge themselves. There’s an energy and hunger inherent to being a new columnist (Kathy Benjamin, Cezary Jan Struciewiscz, JF Sargent, Winston Rowntree, Pauli Poisuo, C. Coville, Luis Prada and an even larger list of roving columnists like Jason Iannone and Mark Hill) that’s really exciting to me. Keep an eye on ‘em, because they’re all doing some pretty cool stuff.

P.S. YOU are awesome.

April 18, 2014
New column! It’s about driving!


April 16, 2014


There are a lot of great podcasts on the Internet, and a lot of them have something to say about kids, but only this one has a baby in the studio.

THIS WEEK ON THE PODCAST: host Adam Tod Brown welcomes his Cracked co-workers Luis Prada and Randall Maynard to discuss the awful future that the youth of the nation have in store for us. Not to be outdone, comic Nick Hoff joins the show as well, and he’s not just talking about kids … he brought one. Chaos ensues.

I’m on this episode! wooooooooooooooooo

April 4, 2014
I am, officially, a Cracked columnist!

After many months of auditioning, I finally got it. Today, I am a Cracked columnist. I’ve got a banner and everything. (Banner made by Winston Rowntree). Here it is…


My first article is a non-list thing about my love for a terrible movie, Hudson Hawk, and the important lesson taught to me by my blind love of said shitty movie. It’s called:

One Valuable Life Lesson Hiding in One of the Worst Films

Enjoy it, and I hope you enjoy the many more columns to come.

March 9, 2014
The surplus of hatred



I’m a little bit drunk, and earlier tonight, I caught myself wondering if any of the authors I love have written something just a bit too honest about their craft while in a similar mind-state. Something not deleted in the light of day, or hastily revised or modified with post-scripts. I…

This. All of this.

February 16, 2014
New Cracked Column!

I rarely post my Cracked columns because, shit, I just forget. But not this time. Oooh, no. This time I surely will post a link to my latest column, “5 Bizarre Inspirations Behind Famous Movie Scenes.” Yup, I’ll totally do that…after I get some lunch.

Okay, back from lunch. Where was I? Oh, yeah! The column. Let me find the link…

Hey, here’s a fascinating article from Slate about why the Luge is faster than the Skeleton, aptly titled "Why Is Luge Faster Than Skeleton?"

Anyway, my column. Right.

Sorry, I just played Papers, Please for an hour.

Just read my article so I can stop writing this, please?

2:34pm  |   URL:
Filed under: cracked column 
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