I'm in Maxim Again!
Here I am in the new issue of Maxim (May 2013, Issue 183). I have two on this page: “Evildoers’ Guilty Pleasures” and “Gut Bombs Away!”
I’ve gone silent for a bit because there are some things happening that I don’t want to jinx. So, you know…shhhh.
Three -- THREE! -- of my pieces in the latest...
I’ve been holding on to this for a while and am only now getting to it. The March issue of Maxim is out and I as I predicted three of my Circus Maximus pieces are in it, and all on one page, no less! So on the newsstands now is a magazine in which an entire page was written by me. That’s a first. Here’s a scan of my copy… Like I said in the post about my first...
hang, hanged, hung
This is the AP Stylebook’s entry on the differences between and uses of the words hang, hanged, and hung. hang, hanged, hung One hangs a picture, a criminal or oneself. For past tense or the passive, use hanged when referring to execution or suicides, hung for other actions. I feel like the last sentence there should read like this… For past tense or the passive, use hanged...
If You're Going To Hack A Twitter Account, Do...
By now you’ve heard about the Burger King/Jeep twitter hacks – some lowly DJ from Boston got bored and hacked the twitter accounts of Burger King and Jeep, shouted a bunch of bullshit on the pages, and then the internet exploded in response, as if hacking a twitter account and giving your friends shout outs is somehow on par with hacking a nuclear silo and wiping out Greenland. If there were a...
Alternate Version of "Homeland" Quick Fix
A couple weeks ago Cracked ran this article of mine about how the son from the show Homeland is a psycho. But that’s not the only version of that article. There exists a secret second version only a few people had a chance to read. The version I originally pitched is the one that was eventually published on Cracked; the one you can read at the link above. A couple days after I pitched it,...
Rejected Quick Fix Pitch: Lupe Fiasco's Fiasco
They can’t all be winners. Though, this pitch almost was. This one was about Lupe Fiasco getting kicked off stage at a concert celebrating President Obama’s 2nd inauguration. The editors at Cracked really liked it, so much so that there was some talk of turning it into an episode of an upcoming Cracked web show. Ultimately, a little too much time had passed and the subject wasn’t...
I'm in Maxim Magazine!
Remember how in my last post I mentioned that I’m doing some side work for Maxim magazine? Well, I went to the grocery store this weekend, took a gander at the magazine rack, and BOOM. There it was; the January/February issue I was told my piece would be in. And all I had to do was fork over $6 for the issue. (Ah, so that’s why they pay so well…). Here it is, scanned directly...
I'm Still Here
Hello. Remember me? I’m Luis. This is my Tumblr. I’ve been ignoring this thing lately. I got busy trying to not be painfully and depressingly broke all the time. Also, my girlfriend and I have been spending a lot of time together, to the point that we might as well move in but neither of us has the money for that. So when I’m not writing for money I’m spending time with...
Things I Will Rap About When I Become A Rapper
Bitches Suckers (of both the MC and candied variety) Baked goods Retirement planning Busting caps in mark-ass busters Being unable to find a decent doughnut shop in my city Living on the Streets (which was the title of the late 90s WB teen drama I co-starred in) The unwatched special features on Blu Rays I’ve purchased. Whichever liquor brand I am the spokesperson for. People I have beef with up...
The Orion Constellation Should Be Called The...
I think I’ve made my point. Get on it, astrophysicists.
A Bunch of New Articles on Cracked and MCD
The posts on here have been infrequent, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had articles being published. Today being Election Day, I’ve got two Election-based articles. One is a Cracked Quick Fix titled The 6 Most Baffling Trends in 2012 Election Propaganda, and I like it a lot. Read it and share it. I want this one to be huge. The second Election thing is an MCD article called 5...
New Cracked Article -- 3 Ways Brazil's Political...
I’ve got a new Quick Fix article up on Cracked! In this one, I impart on to you knowledge about the silly things that go on in Brazil when election season rolls around. Give it a read and share it. Please. EDIT: I’ve updated the link. It should link you to the article now, instead of the Cracked main page.
Three MCD Articles in One Week!
It’s been a busy week for me at MCD. Three — count’em, three! — articles of mine hit the front page. And all consecutively. It all started on Wednesday with 5 More Life Lessons Learned From GIFs. Then things took a turn for the timely and the technical with The 4 Worst Moments of The NFL Replacement Referees. The trilogy comes to an end today with Yahoo! Answers: Ask A...
Things are about to get immature up in here. Like the average modern person, I enjoy being clean. I do my cleaning in the shower – a fact I mention because clearly I am supposing you are a foul, unconventional man-beast whose course tongue is the only bathing tool you need. My problem with showers is, unless I’ve been doing any particularly dirtying activity, they only happen at two different...
New MCD Article -- 5 More Life Lessons Learned...
I wrote an article back in June that got no love, probably because MCD didn’t has a strong a following as it does now. We’re not breaking any barriers, traffic wise, but we actually have people coming to the site regularly now, which is nice. Anyway, the original article, Five Life Lessons Learned from GIFs, is one of my favorites so far for MCD, and today’s article, its sequel,...
I cringe whenever I hear people trying to diagnose themselves with A.D.D. or dyslexia, or any of the other ailments they use as excuses for being dumb. Having said that, I’m pretty sure I’m dyslexic. When I read numbers, the digits often jostle for position in my eye sight; thereby making me see them in the wrong order. Numbers shouldn’t be jostling; they should be staying right...
New MDC Article...Again! Four Robotic Body Parts...
This is a video featured in my latest Man Cave Daily article. What you’re seeing there is an “expressive” robotic ass. Read the article, Four Robotic Body Parts Combined to Make Frankensexdoll, and you, too, will want the world of robotics to get its act together and combine these freak machines in to the ultimate freak machine. And for those keeping score at home, that’s...
New MDC Article -- 5 Ridiculously Artsy Video...
I wrote this one about 2 months ago, but it got lost in the shuffle. My editor and I both assumed it had already been published. We were wrong, and we be dumb and shit. Anyway, read it, and play some of the games on the list. A few might be pretentious as hell, but fun, original experiences nonetheless. 5 Ridiculously Artsy Video Games
Latest Man Cave Daily Stuff
I don’t really have a set day for my Man Cave Daily articles. I write them, and Brendan, my editor, posts them when he needs content. It usually amounts to an article a week; sometimes two. These two were fun to write and research, and they make up my past two weeks of MDC articles. The first (chronologically) was 5 Most Bizarre Disney Short Films. If you want to realize that Walt Disney...
Two Cracked Articles In One Weekend!
My named graced the front page of Cracked this weekend not once, but twice. The first, titled 5 Horrific Injuries People Didn’t Realize They Had was originally pitched as a regular length article, but worked better in a shorter form. The second one, and my favorite of the two, Al-Qaida’s No. 2: The Easiest Kill in Terrorism, is more along the lines of what I got used to writing at Funny...
Oh, yeah. I'm a columnist for ManCave
So, it seems I’ve been neglecting the main reason I started this Tumblr blog — shamelessly promoting my shit. Ever since I left Holy Taco I’ve been writing articles for a site called Man Cave Daily, which is run by Cracked columnist and all-around funny/nice guy Brendan McGinley. I write a couple feature-length articles a week for MCD, a few of which run every month. I’ve...
A Tale of Two Scars
When I was in elementary school, every day my class went through the same routine. We started with some light warm ups – leg stretches, jumping jacks, and the like. Then, phase two – a lap around what we unimaginatively called “The Big Field,” aka the bigger of the two playgrounds on school grounds. Finally, we played whatever sport our P.E. coach had planned for us. It was around this time that...
The Time I Couldn't Understand Jay Leno's...
As a kid, I was a big fan of Jay Leno. I watched The Tonight Show every night before I went to sleep. I abandoned my Leno fandom sometime in my early high school years, but still; I was a fan. In particular, I was always been inexplicably fascinated by the moment when Jay, or any late night talk show host, waved goodbye to the viewers and the ending music rolled in, followed by credits, which were...
A Recent History of Offensive Clothing
Clothes aren’t just utilitarian, they’re a statement. And if you’re a racist/sexist, there’s clothing out there for you that will help you express yourself, at least judging by the controversy that surrounded some articles of clothing released by big clothing companies. Not too long ago, via Facebook, Adidas released an image of a new sneaker called the JS Roundhouse Mid, a purple and gold suede...
The Syrup Test
I ropped ome mple yrup on my keybord thi morning. It’ hiing omewhere between some key. The more I type, the more I’ll be ble to narrow it own. o, if I just keep oing this I’ll find it. Yup, if I jut keep typing I’ll find out where I roppe the ticky, inet-luring ugar ludge. Luckily, I in’t eat on my frehly whed bespre. Bedpre. Bedpre. A,S,D – Found’em!
College Sports v. Pro Sports
I’m a sports fan, but I don’t like college sports. I don’t like college sports because college players are still college students. They haven’t done anything yet. I like pro players and pro sports. Those guys aren’t playing for fun, for the love of the game, they’re playing because most are almost 30 and they’re hoping they’re actually good at this sports thing because they didn’t pay...
A Review Of 5 Bottled Water Brands
I went a bought a bunch of different brands of bottled water. This is a review of them. 1) Dasani — Tastes like water. 2) Evian — Tastes like water. 3) Smart Water — Tastes like water. 4) Zephyrhills — Tastes like water. 5) Fiji — Tastes like water, but the tropical backdrop makes me think I’m drinking salt water.
A List of My Nervous Ticks
I tick, nervously most times. Other times because I’m not nervous and have just gotten used to all the ticking I do when I am nervous, which is often. Over the years I have collected a comprehensive list of every nervous tick I’ve ever developed. These are real. What’s going on in my life at any given time influences how many of these ticks I will have going concurrently. If my only worry is...
I Write For ManCaveDaily Now! Huzzah!
I’ve been doing some freelance stuff for a site called ManCave, which is run by Cracked columnist Brendan McGinley. Luke McKinney, another Cracked columnist, also writers for ManCave regularly. I’m in good company. I’ve already written about 5 or 6 articles for them, but this is my latest. Enjoy my writing, no one! Five Strange Things You Accept in a Female-Dominated Domicile
Who Will Go #1 In The 2034 NFL Draft?
I wrote this, therefore you should read it. (I’m really good at SAT analogies). Who Will Go #1 In The 2034 NFL Draft?
A Letter To The Crow Outside My Window
Dear Crow Outside My Window, Shut the fuck up. Sincerely, The Guy Who Isn’t Afraid To Use His Box of Nerf Guns For Evil
My One Sentence Summary
We all have low points in our lives when we get down on ourselves for no reason. The one low point I often revisit is I tend to think I’m not good at anything. I think people that are genuinely good at something, whatever it may be, can be summed up in a sentence or two. I don’t think I have that one sentence summary. “Fred? I’ll tell you something about Fred: If you have any questions about home...
I've Had Some Work Done
I’ve had some work done. I’ve had my eyes peeled, my ears opened, my nose upturned, my eyebrows raised, my ears bent, my legs pulled, my shoulder chips removed (which lifted some weight off my shoulders), my teeth gritted, my fingers crossed, my brains racked, my hair let down, my tongue tied, my upper-lip stiffened, my head leveled, my skin thickened, my nose browned, my chin kept up, and my...
Was Rick Santorum About To Say The N-Word?
Speaking of the dreaded N-word, Rick Santorum may have said it. I talk about it here… Was Rick Santorum About To Say The N-Word?
The Dreaded “N-word”
Wow. I had no idea this still existed. Whoever’s running FunnyCrave now reposted this. It must have been sitting in the FC archives from when Adam, Ian, and I made the switch from Scenic Anemia to FunnyCrave back in July of 2009. The article was originally written at least a few months before that. I never ran it on FC because we thought the site would be big and we didn’t want to...
The Dull Future of Prejudice
We’re all prejudice in our own, unique way. We all indiscriminately hate a group of people. For some of us, it’s a race of people, or a nationality, or a religion. For others, like me, it’s subgroups of people that I have something in common. I wear glasses. I’m near-sighted. All people that wear glasses share a common struggle. No matter how good we look with them, we’re all a little too close...
Why All The Endings Of Mass Effect 3 Are Terrible:...
I love you Mass Effect. But why did you make loving you so hard? I was pretty well pissed off by the end of Mass Effect 3. I ended up writing a 2,500 word rant about it. Why All The Endings Of Mass Effect 3 Are Terrible: A Long Diatribe
A 3-Step Guide To Drinking Alone on St. Patrick’s...
It’s St. Patty’s Day! Or maybe it’s St. Paddy’s day?! I’ve never been sure, and seeing as I don’t don’t really drink much or think the Irish are human, I don’t really care. This is a time machine article. I wrote it for St. Patrick’s Day 2011. It pissed off some advertisers because it made being an alcoholic look bad. Our new boss...
Would You Like To Hear My Idea For A Social...
In this one, I assume the role of a presumptuous idiot. Not much of a stretch, come to think of it. Would You Like To Hear My Idea For A Social Networking Site?
Richard stirred his herbaceous red sauce, watching out for errant searing splatters. He placed the stirring spoon beside the sink, grabbing the emptied bottle of plain tomato sauce in the next motion. He rinsed out the thick, red remains under the faucet. He grabbed a fresh plastic grocery bag from the sleeve hung on the wall and looped both handles through the sturdy plastic hook hammered a foot...
Why Is There A Leap Day?
Read this article that I wrote, in which I drop some knowledge on your ass, leap day-style. Why Is There A Leap Day?
My Reaction To The New Paris Hilton Song, Or...
Hey! Check this out! It’s another thing that I wrote with my brain and hands! That’s two things that I wrote in two days in a row. Two things in a row officially qualifies me to consider myself a “writing machine”, much in the same way that cleaning the loose kitty litter on the floor makes me a “slave to these fucking cats.” My Reaction To The New Paris...
Rick Santorum, Let’s Talk About This Picture
This is another thing I wrote. It’s kind of a spiritual sequel to this article, which is fun, because I’ve always wanted to be the asshole that says something is a “spiritual sequel.” Rick Santorum, Let’s Talk About This Picture
Taste Testing Military-Grade MREs
This is a thing I wrote. It’s about military MREs, or “Meal, Ready To Eat.” It’s the stuff our soldiers eat on the battlefield. But not while in battle. That would be really stupid of them. Besides, who would want to be shot at and be eating an atrocious omelet at the same time? That would be like being in Hell and putting in a request to take a peek over the fence to...
Holy Taco Predicts The Winner Of The Super Bowl
I got paid to write this. It almost isn’t fair. Read it. I had too much fun writing it. Holy Taco Predicts The Winner Of The Super Bowl
I’m a pretty big deal here on the internet. As such, I understand that many of you would like to get to know me better over some light phone sex and sexting. Or maybe you want to give me a writing job. Whatever. Contacting someone can be scary in this brave new world of ours, what with so many people walking around, all with their own unique communications preferences. Luckily for you, the person...
On The Subjects Of Porn, Male Sexual Urges, and...
Here’s a thing I totally wasn’t planning on posting on Holy Taco. I originally planned to post this here, on my Tumblr, becasue it’s a little more…uh…I don’t know…personal? Maybe that’s the word I’m looking for. It’s not actually personal, but it feels more personal than the things I typically post on HT. It’s more like a bit I...