August 2011
9 posts
1 tag
The Best Of My Holy Taco Work
For the past few weeks I’ve been collecting all of my best Holy Taco articles. This, as it turns out, was a bit of a chore. When I first started there, we were using some CMS system that I don’t remember the name of — it was awful. When we made the switch over to Wordpress, some of our articles didn’t make it. And every article we had written before the date of the change...
3 tags
Toasters versus Toaster Ovens
Growing up we all had those few things that we thought represented status symbols. “If this person has X, he must be rich.” If Tom has a gold Rolex, he must be rich. I held a bunch of items in this regard when I was young. Anybody that drove a BMW was rich. Anyone that had a pool in their home was rich. Anyone that lived in a house, and not an apartment like I did, was rich.
When I was young, I...
2 tags
This has nothing to do with my writing. Sort of.
Republican Tom Coburn said this about Obama and welfare programs, which I copy and pasted from Newser:
He said President Obama’s “intent is not to destroy, his intent is to create dependency because it worked so well for him. As an African-American male,” Obama received “tremendous advantage from a lot of these programs.”
I left a comment on the Newer page, but...
3 tags
It’s That Time of Year When We Make Our...
Sometimes I spend days agonizing over an article in order to craft it in to a joke powerhouse. Those articles usually fail miserably. Conversely, I wrote the following article in about 7 minuets. Of course, those 7 minutes were a flurry of mad typing as they were preceded by 6 hours of staring at my monitor trying to figure out what to write. I had a deadline of 6 PM, and it was 5:50. So I...
5 tags
Thank You, Genius That Invented Ordering Pizza...
I’m on a roll this week! And that roll is a garlicky one! I don’t even know this that’s the proper spelling of garlicky. That was Google’s spelling suggestion for my version of garlicy…which is garlicy. By that I mean, that’s how I spell it. Although, it would be nice if my words were garlicy (or garlicky). AND DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME TO SIMPLY EAT GARLIC...
3 tags
Australia Investigates Red M&M’s Bullying Tactics...
This one’s a doozy! I don’t know what a doozy is! I’m pretty sure there’s no definite definition of doozy! EXCLAMATION POINT!
I like this one quiet a bit. This is my attempt at writing an article as if it were a Colbert Report segment…just, you know, made of words and not Colbert flesh.
Hm. Colbert flesh. Onward to the article!
Australia Investigates Red M&Ms...
Quick! Buy Now! Buy Diamond-Encrusted, Gold-Plated...
In this article I passive-aggressively abuse frivolous morons that indulge their love of excess and absurd opulence! I would recommend reading it in an old-timey, WW2 newsreel voice. Also, be in grainy black-and-white. BE IN IT!
Quick! Buy Now! Buy Diamond-Encrusted, Gold-Plated Contact Lenses So Your Eyes Can Piss Money!
1 tag
Resolved Questions: Meat Curtains - A personal...
I love innuendo and euphemistic language. It’s just so…unnecessary. Yet, it’s a must for network TV shows that want to get dirty without getting too much hate mail from irresponsible parents that let their kids watch shows they shouldn’t be watching. Without innuendo and euphemisms we wouldn’t have a great deal of Seinfeld’s greatest moments, such as...
And, for my first offical post on my Tumblr...
I wrote an article for Holy Taco today that posted exactly 15 minutes ago, and I am quite proud of it. It’s topical, which means tomorrow it’ll be shit. But it’s good nonetheless, if only for today. If you’re reading this and today isn’t August 1st, 2011, get in your way-back machine and enjoy.
Congress Agreed On A Debt Ceiling Plan? Now What Am I Supposed to Do...
