October 15, 2012
New Cracked Article — 3 Ways Brazil’s Political System Makes Ours Look Sane

I’ve got a new Quick Fix article up on Cracked! In this one, I impart on to you knowledge about the silly things that go on in Brazil when election season rolls around. Give it a read and share it. Please.

EDIT: I’ve updated the link. It should link you to the article now, instead of the Cracked main page.

September 28, 2012
Three MCD Articles in One Week!

It’s been a busy week for me at MCD. Three — count’em, three! — articles of mine hit the front page. And all consecutively. It all started on Wednesday with 5 More Life Lessons Learned From GIFs. Then things took a turn for the timely and the technical with The 4 Worst Moments of The NFL Replacement Referees. The trilogy comes to an end today with Yahoo! Answers: Ask A Stupid Question Day Edition.

Take some time to read them and spread them around. Wait…you won’t? Wow. You have no problem being an asshole, do you?

September 26, 2012
Wet Wipes

Things are about to get immature up in here.

Like the average modern person, I enjoy being clean. I do my cleaning in the shower – a fact I mention because clearly I am supposing you are a foul, unconventional man-beast whose course tongue is the only bathing tool you need. My problem with showers is, unless I’ve been doing any particularly dirtying activity, they only happen at two different times a day – morning or night. I’m willing to wager most of us in the developed world only shower once a day, like me. This leaves roughly a 24-hour period in which our bodies become a walking petri dish of bacteria. Sure, we wash our hands at least once at some point in the day, but what about the rest of our bodies? It seems anything that isn’t a hand is left to gather filth like we hope to cultivate it and sell it at a weekend farmer’s market.  

There is another body part we also wash in between showers. I’m talking about that taboo yet oh so immaturely fun to discuss body part known as the anus. The anus remains clean until we use it to, you know, do that thing we all do but hate talking about for fear that someone within earshot is eating a bowl of chili. We don’t want to spoil their meal, thus robbing them necessary chili fuel they need to be productive. For years we sat down on a porcelain bowl, did our business, and wiped with a bundle of paper that worked the same way as a motivational mantra – it makes us feel safe for the moment, but deep down we know we’re still disgusting.

All of this was brought to my attention after a recent stark realization. A few years ago, I became a fan of using wet wipes immediately after regular toilet paper. After all, if you’re going to do the job, might as well do it properly by attacking on multiple fronts with different forces of cleanliness that have different specialties. America didn’t defeat Japan in WWII by marching atomic bombs in to Nagasaki and Hiroshima. We had men on the ground fighting the fight. When we deemed their job over, we had a separate unit come in and nuke the fuck out of some landmasses. That’s what a wet wipe is, just without all the nuclear fallout and tragedy and general awfulness. 

One morning, after my usual visit to the bathroom, the stark realization hit me: before I starting using wet wipes regularly, my anus was the kid in school brimming with confidence, entirely unaware of the “I’m a smelly idiot” sign on his back. In the pre-wet wipes era of my life, regular toilet paper was the only force at my disposal. I now walk around with a confidence enhanced by my knowledge of how clean my anus is, which totally throws off my perception of who I was in the pre-wet wipes era. I’ve always thought I was a generally well-adjusted guy, never once being someone that breaks the basic tenants of the personal hygiene sections of the social contract.  But now I realize I used to walk around with a dirty butt all the time. The cool guy that I see myself as in all my memories is now not so cool; it’s tainted; his ass was a disaster and he didn’t even know it. He was walking around, thinking he was the shit, when in actuality he was reeking of it. The only thing that makes this crushing blow hurt less is knowing that I wasn’t the only one. Nearly everyone, save for the lucky few who owned bidets or just splashed their butts in the sink when they were alone in the public restroom, walked around with only partially cleaned anuses. We were all on the same level. 

5:57pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZjU9CxU8M0a_
Filed under: wet wipes soapbox 
September 26, 2012
New MCD Article — 5 More Life Lessons Learned From GIFs

I wrote an article back in June that got no love, probably because MCD didn’t has a strong a following as it does now. We’re not breaking any barriers, traffic wise, but we actually have people coming to the site regularly now, which is nice. Anyway, the original article, Five Life Lessons Learned from GIFs, is one of my favorites so far for MCD, and today’s article, its sequel, 5 More Life Lessons Learned From GIFs, is probably better, in my totally biased opinion. I hope to write a 3rd in the series to round out the trilogy. These are too much fun to write.

Read them both if you haven’t already. Hope you like them. And if you do, give’em a Facebook Like, maybe a tweet, and pass it along to someone else.

September 21, 2012

I cringe whenever I hear people trying to diagnose themselves with A.D.D. or dyslexia, or any of the other ailments they use as excuses for being dumb. Having said that, I’m pretty sure I’m dyslexic.

When I read numbers, the digits often jostle for position in my eye sight; thereby making me see them in the wrong order. Numbers shouldn’t be jostling; they should be staying right where they are.

Just a few minutes ago I was looking over a news site I often visit and saw this headline about Robin Robert’s, one of the co-hosts of Good Morning America. 

Robin Roberts Upbeat After Bone Marrow Transplant

If I weren’t a clinically undiagnosed dyslexic, I would have interpreted this headline to mean that Robin Roberts is in good spirits after having undergone a serious medical procedure. Instead, I read it as this…

Robin Roberts Beatup After Bone Marrow Transplant

I don’t need to tell you that those are two completely different sentences with two very different meanings. In the first, a woman is showing her strength after a surgery, and in the second a couple of street toughs walked in to a hospital room for no apparent reason and beat up a woman that recently had a bone marrow transplant. Maybe they were Jehovah’s Witness extremists and took offense to Robin’s transplant? I don’t know. The point is, for a few seconds I was saddened by the current state of mankind over something that never happened because I can’t read for shit.

September 21, 2012
When I started following the FuckYeahBruceTimm tumblr, I had no idea I would wake up with a fresh batch of cartoon porn everyday. Turns out Bruce Timm, the man that drew my childhood, is a real perv.

When I started following the FuckYeahBruceTimm tumblr, I had no idea I would wake up with a fresh batch of cartoon porn everyday. Turns out Bruce Timm, the man that drew my childhood, is a real perv.

(Source: westsidegoth, via fuckyeahbrucetimm)

September 19, 2012
New MDC Article…Again! Four Robotic Body Parts Combined to Make Frankensexdoll

This is a video featured in my latest Man Cave Daily article. What you’re seeing there is an “expressive” robotic ass. Read the article, Four Robotic Body Parts Combined to Make Frankensexdoll, and you, too, will want the world of robotics to get its act together and combine these freak machines in to the ultimate freak machine.

And for those keeping score at home, that’s two MDC articles in one week.

Read the article, or your next child will be born with a lot weird facial ticks. That’s a promise and a threat.

September 18, 2012
New MDC Article — 5 Ridiculously Artsy Video Games

I wrote this one about 2 months ago, but it got lost in the shuffle. My editor and I both assumed it had already been published. We were wrong, and we be dumb and shit. Anyway, read it, and play some of the games on the list. A few might be pretentious as hell, but fun, original experiences nonetheless.

5 Ridiculously Artsy Video Games

September 17, 2012
Latest Man Cave Daily Stuff

I don’t really have a set day for my Man Cave Daily articles. I write them, and Brendan, my editor, posts them when he needs content. It usually amounts to an article a week; sometimes two. These two were fun to write and research, and they make up my past two weeks of MDC articles.

The first (chronologically) was 5 Most Bizarre Disney Short Films. If you want to realize that Walt Disney once made some pretty disgusting, jingoistic, warmongering short animated films, read the article.

The second article, Ecce Homo: The Ridiculous Life Cycle of A Painting Restoration, is about an immensely fucked up painting restoration that saw Jesus turn in to a monkey’s puckered, furry butthole. Of course, by saying that, I’m trying to have my cake and eat it, too. Why? Read the article and find out.

And why can’t I have cake and eat it? I bought the fucking thing. I should be able to eat the thing.

September 17, 2012
Two Cracked Articles In One Weekend!

My named graced the front page of Cracked this weekend not once, but twice. The first, titled 5 Horrific Injuries People Didn’t Realize They Had was originally pitched as a regular length article, but worked better in a shorter form. The second one, and my favorite of the two, Al-Qaida’s No. 2: The Easiest Kill in Terrorism, is more along the lines of what I got  used to writing at Funny Crave and Holy Taco over the past few years.

Read them, you dick.

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