January 24, 2013
I’m Still Here

Hello.

Remember me? I’m Luis. This is my Tumblr. I’ve been ignoring this thing lately. I got busy trying to not be painfully and depressingly broke all the time. Also, my girlfriend and I have been spending a lot of time together, to the point that we might as well move in but neither of us has the money for that. So when I’m not writing for money I’m spending time with the girl that makes me forget I’m so painfully and depressingly broke.

Yesterday I posted my first original Tumblr-only thing in a while. It’s below this post if you’re reading this on the main page. It’s not much; just some silliness I wrote as a distraction from another thing I was writing (for money).

I haven’t checked when I last posted links to some of my paid writing work but here are some notable articles and essays of mine that have recently been published.

For MCD, I waxed non-poetically on how a tattoo explains why Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez still has a job. I dived through five dream layers to pull out this article about the most copied sound in Hollywood, the BRRHHAAAM from Inception. And I vomited and pooped and sneezed and coughed a whole lot just so I could eventually write a first-hand account of how a stupid person like me reacts to getting his ass kicked by a flu and a stomach virus at the same time.

I’ve been pretty focused on Cracked.com stuff; specifically with Quick Fixes. By my probably flawed calculations, there have been 229 Quick Fix articles since the format went live on May 26th, 2012. Eleven of those are mine. Assuming I know how to do basic math — which I know I cannot, but I’m trying — that means 4.8% of all published Quick Fix articles were written by me.  I don’t know if that’s a good number. I don’t even know what that means. I don’t know why I took the time to calculate any of that. What a waste of time. But since I did, I’m going to work my ass off to ensure I get to a full 5% soon. And seeing as I don’t have a degree in astrophysics, I am unqualified figure out how many articles I need to write versus when I need to write them by to reach that goal. If I could do that math I’d be working at NASA and figuring out everyone’s tip at every restaurant I go to just to show off. (Side Note: Tip calculators on phones are amazing).

Some notable recent Quick Fixes include me making fun of Yoko Ono’s shitty clothing line. Also, a totally-still-relevant article about people who are disappointed that the world didn’t end last month. I got ever-so-slightly controversial by writing about people who blew their one shot at glory. And most recently I wrote about how the son from Homeland is a crazy, emotionally dead psycho waiting to explode. That last one, I think, has been criminally under viewed.

In addition to all that, I’ve been doing some side work for Maxim magazine. Yes, that Maxim magazine. The one with the mostly naked ladies on the cover and on every page. Obviously, I can’t link to my work because you can’t link to paper yet, but I can tell you that if you want to read my words in print you should buy yourself a copy of every issue of Maxim in the coming months, starting with the upcoming January/February issue, which will be the first issue my words appear in. Honestly, I don’t even know if I’ll be credited, but the work is fun and the pay is crazy compared to everything else I do. My contributions will be short and featured in the first 10-15 pages of each issue, in a section called Circus Maximus, which is kind of a catch-all of weird and fun facts, trivia, and news bits. I’ll post scans of my sections, assuming I don’t forget to buy a copy for myself, which is entirely likely.

And that’s pretty much it. You’re all caught up with my professional life and a tiny bit with my personal life. As the title of this post suggests, I’m still here. I haven’t abandoned this Tumblr. I hope to post more original stuff soon. I have a tiny web comic project I’ve been working on with the guy who DMs the D&D campaign I’m in. I’ll probably post some of those at some point. And I’ll try to remember to promote any new articles of mine on here as soon as they’re published.

Hope you’re well.

uh…so…bye.

January 23, 2013
Things I Will Rap About When I Become A Rapper

Bitches

Suckers (of both the MC and candied variety)

Baked goods

Retirement planning

Busting caps in mark-ass busters

Being unable to find a decent doughnut shop in my city

Living on the Streets (which was the title of the late 90s WB teen drama I co-starred in)

The unwatched special features on Blu Rays I’ve purchased.

Whichever liquor brand I am the spokesperson for.

People I have beef with up to and including that kid from the 4th grade who made fun of me for having a Sesame Street bookbag.

November 15, 2012
The Orion Constellation Should Be Called The X-Wing Constellation

I think I’ve made my point. Get on it, astrophysicists.

11:03am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZjU9CxXKWhTg
Filed under: x-wing orion 
November 6, 2012
A Bunch of New Articles on Cracked and MCD

The posts on here have been infrequent, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had articles being published.

Today being Election Day, I’ve got two Election-based articles. One is a Cracked Quick Fix titled The 6 Most Baffling Trends in 2012 Election Propaganda, and I like it a lot. Read it and share it. I want this one to be huge.

The second Election thing is an MCD article called 5 Things Your Political Leaning Says About You.

And then I’ve got a bunch of MCD stuff that I never get to link here. So here’s a link dump of my own stuff from recent weeks.

3 Fictional Things the Government Had to Tell Us Weren’t Real

Search Engine Obstacle Course

GIF Life Lessons, Part III

The 3 Ways To Protest (According to Recent News Stories)

October 15, 2012
New Cracked Article — 3 Ways Brazil’s Political System Makes Ours Look Sane

I’ve got a new Quick Fix article up on Cracked! In this one, I impart on to you knowledge about the silly things that go on in Brazil when election season rolls around. Give it a read and share it. Please.

EDIT: I’ve updated the link. It should link you to the article now, instead of the Cracked main page.

September 28, 2012
Three MCD Articles in One Week!

It’s been a busy week for me at MCD. Three — count’em, three! — articles of mine hit the front page. And all consecutively. It all started on Wednesday with 5 More Life Lessons Learned From GIFs. Then things took a turn for the timely and the technical with The 4 Worst Moments of The NFL Replacement Referees. The trilogy comes to an end today with Yahoo! Answers: Ask A Stupid Question Day Edition.

Take some time to read them and spread them around. Wait…you won’t? Wow. You have no problem being an asshole, do you?

September 26, 2012
Wet Wipes

Things are about to get immature up in here.

Like the average modern person, I enjoy being clean. I do my cleaning in the shower – a fact I mention because clearly I am supposing you are a foul, unconventional man-beast whose course tongue is the only bathing tool you need. My problem with showers is, unless I’ve been doing any particularly dirtying activity, they only happen at two different times a day – morning or night. I’m willing to wager most of us in the developed world only shower once a day, like me. This leaves roughly a 24-hour period in which our bodies become a walking petri dish of bacteria. Sure, we wash our hands at least once at some point in the day, but what about the rest of our bodies? It seems anything that isn’t a hand is left to gather filth like we hope to cultivate it and sell it at a weekend farmer’s market.  

There is another body part we also wash in between showers. I’m talking about that taboo yet oh so immaturely fun to discuss body part known as the anus. The anus remains clean until we use it to, you know, do that thing we all do but hate talking about for fear that someone within earshot is eating a bowl of chili. We don’t want to spoil their meal, thus robbing them necessary chili fuel they need to be productive. For years we sat down on a porcelain bowl, did our business, and wiped with a bundle of paper that worked the same way as a motivational mantra – it makes us feel safe for the moment, but deep down we know we’re still disgusting.

All of this was brought to my attention after a recent stark realization. A few years ago, I became a fan of using wet wipes immediately after regular toilet paper. After all, if you’re going to do the job, might as well do it properly by attacking on multiple fronts with different forces of cleanliness that have different specialties. America didn’t defeat Japan in WWII by marching atomic bombs in to Nagasaki and Hiroshima. We had men on the ground fighting the fight. When we deemed their job over, we had a separate unit come in and nuke the fuck out of some landmasses. That’s what a wet wipe is, just without all the nuclear fallout and tragedy and general awfulness. 

One morning, after my usual visit to the bathroom, the stark realization hit me: before I starting using wet wipes regularly, my anus was the kid in school brimming with confidence, entirely unaware of the “I’m a smelly idiot” sign on his back. In the pre-wet wipes era of my life, regular toilet paper was the only force at my disposal. I now walk around with a confidence enhanced by my knowledge of how clean my anus is, which totally throws off my perception of who I was in the pre-wet wipes era. I’ve always thought I was a generally well-adjusted guy, never once being someone that breaks the basic tenants of the personal hygiene sections of the social contract.  But now I realize I used to walk around with a dirty butt all the time. The cool guy that I see myself as in all my memories is now not so cool; it’s tainted; his ass was a disaster and he didn’t even know it. He was walking around, thinking he was the shit, when in actuality he was reeking of it. The only thing that makes this crushing blow hurt less is knowing that I wasn’t the only one. Nearly everyone, save for the lucky few who owned bidets or just splashed their butts in the sink when they were alone in the public restroom, walked around with only partially cleaned anuses. We were all on the same level. 

5:57pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZjU9CxU8M0a_
Filed under: wet wipes soapbox 
September 26, 2012
New MCD Article — 5 More Life Lessons Learned From GIFs

I wrote an article back in June that got no love, probably because MCD didn’t has a strong a following as it does now. We’re not breaking any barriers, traffic wise, but we actually have people coming to the site regularly now, which is nice. Anyway, the original article, Five Life Lessons Learned from GIFs, is one of my favorites so far for MCD, and today’s article, its sequel, 5 More Life Lessons Learned From GIFs, is probably better, in my totally biased opinion. I hope to write a 3rd in the series to round out the trilogy. These are too much fun to write.

Read them both if you haven’t already. Hope you like them. And if you do, give’em a Facebook Like, maybe a tweet, and pass it along to someone else.

September 21, 2012
Self-Diagnosis

I cringe whenever I hear people trying to diagnose themselves with A.D.D. or dyslexia, or any of the other ailments they use as excuses for being dumb. Having said that, I’m pretty sure I’m dyslexic.

When I read numbers, the digits often jostle for position in my eye sight; thereby making me see them in the wrong order. Numbers shouldn’t be jostling; they should be staying right where they are.

Just a few minutes ago I was looking over a news site I often visit and saw this headline about Robin Robert’s, one of the co-hosts of Good Morning America. 

Robin Roberts Upbeat After Bone Marrow Transplant

If I weren’t a clinically undiagnosed dyslexic, I would have interpreted this headline to mean that Robin Roberts is in good spirits after having undergone a serious medical procedure. Instead, I read it as this…

Robin Roberts Beatup After Bone Marrow Transplant

I don’t need to tell you that those are two completely different sentences with two very different meanings. In the first, a woman is showing her strength after a surgery, and in the second a couple of street toughs walked in to a hospital room for no apparent reason and beat up a woman that recently had a bone marrow transplant. Maybe they were Jehovah’s Witness extremists and took offense to Robin’s transplant? I don’t know. The point is, for a few seconds I was saddened by the current state of mankind over something that never happened because I can’t read for shit.

September 21, 2012
When I started following the FuckYeahBruceTimm tumblr, I had no idea I would wake up with a fresh batch of cartoon porn everyday. Turns out Bruce Timm, the man that drew my childhood, is a real perv.

When I started following the FuckYeahBruceTimm tumblr, I had no idea I would wake up with a fresh batch of cartoon porn everyday. Turns out Bruce Timm, the man that drew my childhood, is a real perv.

(Source: westsidegoth, via fuckyeahbrucetimm)

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