August 23, 2012
The Time I Couldn’t Understand Jay Leno’s Production Company Logo

As a kid, I was a big fan of Jay Leno. I watched The Tonight Show every night before I went to sleep. I abandoned my Leno fandom sometime in my early high school years, but still; I was a fan. In particular, I was always been inexplicably fascinated by the moment when Jay, or any late night talk show host, waved goodbye to the viewers and the ending music rolled in, followed by credits, which were followed by a production company logo. I don’t know why, really. I just was, and still am, kinda. Now, I’m sure we all have those moments when we look at something 1,000 times and we just don’t get it. But then, on the 1,001st viewing, it finally makes sense and we feel like an idiot for not noticing it on viewings 1 through 1,000. You’d think at around 278 something would click, but no. You still don’t get it. That’s how I always felt when I watched the Jay Leno’s production company logo fill up the screen, just before the signal cut to Conan.

The screen would (and I presume still does; I haven’t watched in a while) fill with blue and in the center was a napkin-worthy sketch of Jay’s face sandwiched between two words “Big” and “Dog”. Big Dog Productions is Jay’s production company. When I was a kid, I never saw the words Big Dog. For some reason, the hand-written words, along with the vertical arrangement of the letters, tricked me in to not recognizing the words as words. They were just lines to me – a series of squiggly, wavy lines running down the side of cartoon Jay’s head.

So, the only logical conclusion I drew from this was that Jay had chosen to end each episode of his show with a picture of what he would look like if her were a rabbi, and the words Big Dog were actually the long curls orthodox Jews wear on the sides of their heads.


According to Wikipedia, the curls are called Payot. And while there isn’t a Wikipedia entry that backs me up, I was wrong and those weren’t Jew curls. Those were words. And I was dumb.

August 13, 2012
A Recent History of Offensive Clothing

Clothes aren’t just utilitarian, they’re a statement. And if you’re a racist/sexist, there’s clothing out there for you that will help you express yourself, at least judging by the controversy that surrounded some articles of clothing released by big clothing companies.

Not too long ago, via Facebook, Adidas released an image of
a new sneaker called the JS Roundhouse Mid, a purple and gold suede high-top that would be perfect if you were cast in a Slick Rick music video circa 1989. The color scheme isn’t what sparked a controversy that led to Adidas announcing the cancellation of the shoe…

…it was the golden shackles attached to the shoe that got people doing something no one ever thought would actually happen – call out a shoe for being racist.

Under normal circumstances, looking at a shoe with disgust and screaming “racist!” at it would net you more than a couple of strange stares from the subway commuters currently occupying the space you call home. But there’s a first time for everything…or is there?

Nope! Not too long ago, Emma Barnett, a tech reporter for The Telegraph, was cleaning up her apartment when she noticed
the washing instructions on a pair of her boyfriend’s pants.

The label starts off with some basic washing instructions – machine wash, warm water, flip them inside out, which itself sounds like the maker of the pants giving up and conforming to our collective laziness to un-flip our pants; pretty standard fare for words on pants. But then, for no apparent reason, we’re given an “or” that’s followed by “Give it to your woman. It’s her job.”

Who is this tag for? If the assumption made by the pants were at all true, that it’s a woman’s job to wash the pants, who do they expect is going to read the label? The pants made it abundantly clear that all men are slovenly assholes and would never read the label. The argument can be made that the designer of the pants was trying to add a bit of guy-centric humor and whimsy to the world of pants. Sadly, pants aren’t a very good joke delivery system. No one turns to pants for a quick pick-me-up when they’re feeling down. “Oh, pants! You slay me with your comfortable inseam and biting critique on traditional gender roles!”, is a sentence no one has ever said.

And then, almost inevitably, we come to that wonderful cross-section where hipster meets douchebag with the numerous clothing controversies sparked by Urban Outfitters and Abercrombie & Fitch.

In 2002, Abercrombie & Fitch released a line of T-shirts
featuring Asian caricatures. Asians steering Rickshaws, Asians running laundry mats, Asians operating dojos – basically every Asian stereotype on the books was turned in to a T-shirt so hilarious that Abercrombie & Fitch had to pull them from store shelves, presumably because Asian Americans were laughing so hard they could no longer function like normal humans.

As for Urban Outfitters, the question is who hasn’t felt offended by their clothing? Jews?
Check. Native Americans? Check. Black people? Check. And while it may not be clothing, Urban Outfitters once royally pissed off the black community by selling a version of the board game Monopoly called “Ghettoply,” in which “playas” received game cards that contained jokes we’re sure would be a hit at The Klan’s weekly game nights, like “You got yo whole neighborhood addicted to crack. Collect $50.”

Adidas causing a stir with some shackles that look like a pre-schooler’s My First Slave toy playset isn’t anything new, and it won’t even be the last time a clothing company releases a product they think is funny or cool but is interpreted as dumb and offensive. But there is one thing that is becoming clearer as the controversies pile up – these companies employ a lot of out-of-touch white guys.

This article was originally pitched to as a Quick Fix, an article for their new section that features shorter, occasionally topical articles. This one didn’t make it out of the editorial process alive, so that means it ends up here. They can’t all be winners, folks. I’ve already had two Quick Fix articles published on Cracked. You can read about how Demolition Man is prophetic, or you can read about violent urinals that burn dicks.

July 9, 2012
The Syrup Test

I ropped ome mple yrup on my keybord thi morning. It’ hiing omewhere between some key. The more I type, the more I’ll be ble to narrow it own. o, if I just keep oing this I’ll find it. Yup, if I jut keep typing I’ll find out where I roppe the ticky, inet-luring ugar ludge. Luckily, I in’t eat on my frehly whed bespre. Bedpre. Bedpre.

A,S,D – Found’em!

June 10, 2012
College Sports v. Pro Sports

I’m a sports fan, but I don’t like college sports. I don’t like college sports because college players are still college students. They haven’t done anything yet. I like pro players and pro sports. Those guys aren’t playing for fun, for the love of the game, they’re playing because most are almost 30 and they’re hoping they’re actually good at this sports thing because they didn’t pay attention in any of their poli-sci classes. They’re about to go through that weird mini-crisis when you realize you’re closing in on the loss of your ability to use your age as an excuse for why you’re unemployed and doing bong hits at noon on a Tuesday in your underwear. Those guys aren’t playing for some campus-wide fame, or all the wild, college-aged pussy they can handle. They’re playing so the kids they had when they were still in college don’t grow up knowing their daddy was a shitty quarterback. These guys are playing for their manhood, and when manhood is involved you will see guys do some mother-lifting-a-car-to-save-their-baby level shit.

None of these guys want to be 50 and fat because they’ve been eating funnel cakes ever since they retired at the ripe old age of 35, after having played for 9 different teams and being voted Most “Oh Yeah, He Is In The League, Isn’t He?” Player of The Year 15 years in a row.

Professional athletes want to be so legendary that their legacy outweighs any murders they may commit after they retire — the O.J. level of fame. They’re playing for their Get Out Of Jail Free card. Michael Jordon probably has a slaughter basement in his mansion that all cops, mayors, and judges for miles around know about but never shut down because Michael Jordon is the best thrower of an orange thing in to a circle ever. If a college player kills one measly little person, fuck’em. Toss his ass in a prison where the inmates are fed three square meals of rape every day to comply with the government’s daily recommendation of healthy rape intake. “That dumbass college kid thought getting a blowjob from every floosy in his dorm would give him a free pass to kill somebody. Win a bunch of MVPs and championships in the pros before you start slashing throats in alleys, kid.”

May 25, 2012
A Review Of 5 Bottled Water Brands

I went a bought a bunch of different brands of bottled water. This is a review of them.

1) Dasani — Tastes like water.

2) Evian — Tastes like water.

3) Smart Water — Tastes like water.

4) Zephyrhills — Tastes like water.

5) Fiji — Tastes like water, but the tropical backdrop makes me think I’m drinking salt water.

May 13, 2012
A List of My Nervous Ticks

I tick, nervously most times. Other times because I’m not nervous and have just gotten used to all the ticking I do when I am nervous, which is often. Over the years I have collected a comprehensive list of every nervous tick I’ve ever developed. These are real. What’s going on in my life at any given time influences how many of these ticks I will have going concurrently. If my only worry is work, I’ll have one, maybe two. If it’s work, a depleted bank account, relationship troubles, and my arch nemesis has foiled one of my dastardly plots again, I could have up to four of these ticks going at the same time. It gets annoying.

1. Excessive blinking, or am I a soviet spy sending coded messages to my comrades? No. I’m not. Blinking just makes reality go away for a fraction of a second.

2. I curl my top lip in to my gums, making it look like my upper lip was sliced away. Kind of like Jim Carry as Fire Marshal Bill.

3. Muscle twitching (quads, calves, biceps, pecs). Nothing turns on the ladies more than a guy that looks like he’s currently receiving electroshock therapy.

4. Spitting. A lot. Mostly when I’m outdoors. I like disrespecting grass.

5. Leg bouncing/shaking.

6 Rubbing the back of my tongue on the roof of my mouth.

7. Sliding my fingernails under other fingernails and applying pressure to that under-the-nail part of the nail. Does that have a name? I’m going to call it the nail basement. I like pressure on my nail basements.

8. Biting skin around nails. It tastes like where my fingers have been! :) Also, it tastes like where my fingers have been! >:O

9. Cracking knuckles. I’m a tough guy.

10. Twitching nose. I’m also a witch from the 1960s. It’s weird that I feel like I have to specify which 60s I’m talking about now that we’re this deep in to a new decade, even though we haven’t seen a new 60s since the last 60s.

11. Biting the inside of my mouth until I have tough little mounds of stringy flesh dotting my inner cheeks. Thrill-seeking bacteria scale these mounds for glory and to have a story that will get them laid for life.

12. Twitching my ears/scalp. It’s my mating call.

13. Making a grinding sound with my mouth that serves no purpose but I like to believe it lets me communicate with rusty brake pads.

14. Rubbing my big toe over my second toe (XO toe?), sometimes until the second toe blisters (aka XO toe woes).

4:21am  |   URL:
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May 7, 2012
I Write For ManCaveDaily Now! Huzzah!

I’ve been doing some freelance stuff for a site called ManCave, which is run by Cracked columnist Brendan McGinley. Luke McKinney, another Cracked columnist, also writers for ManCave regularly. I’m in good company.

I’ve already written about 5 or 6 articles for them, but this is my latest. Enjoy my writing, no one!

Five Strange Things You Accept in a Female-Dominated Domicile

6:38pm  |   URL:
Filed under: mancave 
April 28, 2012
Who Will Go #1 In The 2034 NFL Draft?

I wrote this, therefore you should read it. (I’m really good at SAT analogies).

Who Will Go #1 In The 2034 NFL Draft?

April 20, 2012
A Letter To The Crow Outside My Window

Dear Crow Outside My Window,

Shut the fuck up.


The Guy Who Isn’t Afraid To Use His Box of Nerf Guns For Evil

April 19, 2012
Art by Sam Duff. Words by Me.

Art by Sam Duff. Words by Me.

8:28pm  |   URL:
Filed under: comic sam duff original 
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