We all have low points in our lives when we get down on ourselves for no reason. The one low point I often revisit is I tend to think I’m not good at anything. I think people that are genuinely good at something, whatever it may be, can be summed up in a sentence or two. I don’t think I have that one sentence summary.

“Fred? I’ll tell you something about Fred: If you have any questions about home repairs, talk to Fred.”

“Amy, she’s a film buff. You want to know anything about movies, don’t go to Wikipedia or IMDB; ask Amy.”

The closest thing I have to one is…

“Luis? Oh, yeah. He’s the guy that owns a pair of cargo shorts that have an unnecessary strip of cloth on the zipper that he always pees on. If you have any questions about peeing on zipper cloth and getting pee on your legs, Luis is your guy.”

That’s my specialty. I can piss on zipper cloths the way Michael Jordon put a ball in a hoop. That will be my legacy. I’ve pissed on more strips of zipper cloth than anyone else, ever.

The sad thing is that’s probably just me being hopeful. There’s probably someone else out there that’s fantastic at peeing on that zipper cloth. Compared to him, I’m a bumbling rookie in the peeing-on-strips-of-zipper-cloth game. He sees me peeing on my zipper cloth and he smiles and says, “Keep working at it, kid.” And then I’m back at square one thinking I’m not good at anything. 

And why is he watching me pee on a strip of cloth attracted to my zipper? Because that’s what the world’s greatest pisser of zipper cloth does. He doesn’t get paid, so like David Carradine in Kung Fu, he just wanders the earth; perhaps trying to find a pisser of zipper cloths worthy of dethroning him from the position of the best pisser on zipper cloths in the world. And when he finds me, he will be extremely disappointed and he’ll head off in to the sunset to find someone else that thinks they’re really good at pissing on cloths that have no business being attached to zippers.