For the past few weeks I’ve been collecting all of my best Holy Taco articles. This, as it turns out, was a bit of a chore. When I first started there, we were using some CMS system that I don’t remember the name of — it was awful. When we made the switch over to Wordpress, some of our articles didn’t make it. And every article we had written before the date of the change over was no longer associated with our login. This made finding my articles difficult, as I had to navigate through each page on the site individually as I tried to remember which articles I had written (we don’t have bylines) and which ones were good enough for the list.
I don’t know why I mentioned any of that.
The list below contains a nice mixed bag of my work. There’s some extremely silly stuff, and some semi-serious stuff. There’s some funny-Ha-Ha, and there’s some funny-weird. There’s some stuff that’s obscene and profane, and there’s some stuff that’s PG. There’s some immaturity (a lot of immaturity), and there’s some slightly smarter stuff in there (read: not very smart at all).
Overall, it’s what I think represents the best of the best of my Holy Taco work. The list is in chronological order, from oldest to most recent.
How To Make a McGriddle at Home (June 1, 2010)
A Look To The Future: Justin Bieber (June 4, 2010)
Create Your Own MTV Movie Award Show in 5 Easy Steps (June 7, 2010)
What If R. Lee Ermey Were A 4th Grade Teacher? (June 15, 2010)
A Look To The Future: Miley Cyrus (June 16, 2010)
6 Annoying Things That Always Happen During E3 Press Conferences (June 8, 2010)
The Schedule Of A Pagan Celebrating The Solstice (June 21, 2010)
A Look To The Future: Apple (June 23, 2010)
Holy Taco Gets Unnecessarily Philosophical About Cleavage (June 30, 2010; we were specifically told to write about boobs that day, for some reason)
A Thank You Letter To Creepy Late Night Gas Stations (July 2, 2010)
A Letter To The Guy That Honks Just as The Light Turns Green (July 9, 2010)
The Art of Picking Your Butt in Public (July 16, 2010)
The MySpace Wasteland: 4 Creepy Things To Experience With Your Lonely MySpace Account (July 21, 2010)
Resolved Questions: Heavy Computer (July 22, 2010)
Resolved Questions: Meat Curtains (July 29, 2010; this is probably my best at HT, and probably one of my best ever)
A Letter To That Guy That Keeps Staring At Me From Across The Room (July 30, 2010)
Drunken Argument Friday: Jersey Shore vs The Real Housewives (July 30, 2010)
Justin Bieber Hit In Face With Water Bottle. Finally. (August 9, 2010)
A Thank You Letter To Painful Bowel Movements (August 20, 2010)
Dr. McDicksplosion’s Tips On Manly Man-ness: Making A Baby (August 24, 2010)
The Post In Which Holy Taco Makes Fun Of A Baby (September 2, 2010)
The Search Engine Obstacle Course: Ho P*ssy Clown (September 13, 2010)
How To Celebrate Chlamydia Day (September 15, 2010)
I Really Want To Find A Suitcase Full Of Money (September 22, 2010; for the none of you that have been following my work since this ScenicAnemia.com days, this one should look familiar to you)
How To Read A Book (September 21, 2010)
National Punctuation Day!: Holy Taco’s Guide To Punctuation (September 24, 2010)
How To Cordially Make First Contact with Aliens: A Guide For The United Nations (September 28, 2010)
A Letter To Activia, The Bowel-Shattering Yogurt (October 1, 2010)
It’s National School Lunch Week! Here Is Your Child’s School Lunch Menu For The Week (October 13, 2010)
Necklace of a “Pearl Necklace” (October 20, 2010)
A Look To The Future: Lady Gaga (October 22, 2010)
How To Destroy A Hotel Room: A Guest Article By Charlie Sheen (October 26, 2010)
A Letter To My Future Son (October 27, 2010)
Product Review: Four Loko Energy Drink/Alcoholic Beverage (November 1, 2010)
We Live In A World Where 10-Year-Olds Are Giving Birth (November 2, 2010)
Man Forced To Eat His Own Beard. Yes, There Are Rednecks Involved. (November 11, 2010)
A Series of Letters From Tommy Lee On The Subject Of Whale Masturbation (December 8, 2010)
An Open Letter To Natalie Portman On Why She Should Have Been Impregnated By The Holy Taco Staff (December 27, 2010)
9 Birds That Should Also Die (January 4, 2011)
Things You Can Do With The Electronic Snuggie: An Owner’s Guide (January 6, 2011)
How To Fix Your Broken Internet (January 13, 2011)
STOP THE PRESSES!: Scientists Create The Perfect Pepper For Jalapeno Poppers! (January 19, 2011)
How To Walk Somewhere Without Dying (January 20, 2011)
A Breakdown of The Ingredients in Taco Bell’s Taco Beef (January 25, 2011)
Inner Monologue of A Bunch of People During The State of the Union (January 26, 2011)
Kenneth Cole and Twitter: A History of Insensitive Tweets (February 3, 2011)
18 Reasons Glenn Beck Doesn’t Trust Google (February 17, 2011)
My Cousin Knows A Guy That Knows A Guy That Works At Apple Who Saw The iPad 2 For A Second! (February 23, 2011)
Rent Me To Be Your Strangely Silent New Friend At Parties For Only $39.95! (March 2, 2011)
Attention Shoppers: Stop Smearing Your Buttholes on the Shopping Carts. Thank You. (March 3, 2011)
Ladies, Celebrate International Women’s Day and Mardi Gras By Showing Men Your Tits (March 8, 2011)
Movie Pitch: Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of Heinrich Himmler’s Crystal Skull (March 10, 2011)
4 People I Encountered At The Renaissance Fair (March 14, 2011)
Things that look like Muammar Gaddafi (March 25, 2011)
Product Review: Ron de Jeremy, The Rum By Porn Legend Ron Jeremy (March 29, 2011)
3 Suggestions For Glenn Beck Now That He Is Leaving His Fox News Show (April 6, 2011)
Crayola’s Multicultural Crayons: Too PC, or Who Cares? (April 8, 2011)
The Memoir of a Child After Bring Your Child To Work Day (April 28, 2011)
Newest Real Estate Listing From Abbottabad, Pakistan (May 2, 2011)
Heat vs Bulls, NBA Eastern Conference Finals: An Existential Breakdown of the Match Up (May 13, 2011)
Planking: The Fad For Tools (May 17, 2011)
Pejazzling: Now Men Can Encrust Their Genitals With Jewels (May 19, 2011)
You Are All Cordially Invited To The Orgy (June 2, 2011)
The Traumatizing Stages of an Emergency Number-Two (June 7, 2011)
Holy Taco’s Commencement Speech To The Graduating Class of 2011 (June 13, 2011)
A Critical Analysis of a Spam E-mail I Got This Morning (June 15, 2011)
An Analysis of Glamour.com’s “10 Common Phrases That Turn Him On” (June 23, 2011)
Shop At The Made In America Store! (June 28, 2011)
Damn it. Norwegian Mass Murderer Says He Played Video Games For “Practice” (July 25, 2011)
My Completely Irrational Decision Making Process For Picking My Fantasy Football Team (July 27, 2011)
Why I’m Qualified To Be An Intern For The Wu-Tang Clan (July 28, 2011)
How To Quit Smoking In 30 Easy Steps (August 3, 2011)
Congress Agreed On A Debt Ceiling Plan? Now What Am I Supposed to Do With All The Beef Jerky in my Bomb Shelter?! (August 1, 2011)
Quick! Buy Now! Buy Diamond-Encrusted, Gold-Plated Contact Lenses So Your Eyes Can Piss Money! (August 8, 2011)
Australia Investigates Red M&Ms Bullying Tactics and Its Effect On Children. No, Seriously. (August 10, 2011)
Thank You, Genius That Invented Ordering Pizza Online (August 11, 2011)
It’s That Time of Year When We Make Our Politicians Eat Phallic Foods (August 15, 2011)
