June 10, 2012
College Sports v. Pro Sports

I’m a sports fan, but I don’t like college sports. I don’t like college sports because college players are still college students. They haven’t done anything yet. I like pro players and pro sports. Those guys aren’t playing for fun, for the love of the game, they’re playing because most are almost 30 and they’re hoping they’re actually good at this sports thing because they didn’t pay attention in any of their poli-sci classes. They’re about to go through that weird mini-crisis when you realize you’re closing in on the loss of your ability to use your age as an excuse for why you’re unemployed and doing bong hits at noon on a Tuesday in your underwear. Those guys aren’t playing for some campus-wide fame, or all the wild, college-aged pussy they can handle. They’re playing so the kids they had when they were still in college don’t grow up knowing their daddy was a shitty quarterback. These guys are playing for their manhood, and when manhood is involved you will see guys do some mother-lifting-a-car-to-save-their-baby level shit.

None of these guys want to be 50 and fat because they’ve been eating funnel cakes ever since they retired at the ripe old age of 35, after having played for 9 different teams and being voted Most “Oh Yeah, He Is In The League, Isn’t He?” Player of The Year 15 years in a row.

Professional athletes want to be so legendary that their legacy outweighs any murders they may commit after they retire — the O.J. level of fame. They’re playing for their Get Out Of Jail Free card. Michael Jordon probably has a slaughter basement in his mansion that all cops, mayors, and judges for miles around know about but never shut down because Michael Jordon is the best thrower of an orange thing in to a circle ever. If a college player kills one measly little person, fuck’em. Toss his ass in a prison where the inmates are fed three square meals of rape every day to comply with the government’s daily recommendation of healthy rape intake. “That dumbass college kid thought getting a blowjob from every floosy in his dorm would give him a free pass to kill somebody. Win a bunch of MVPs and championships in the pros before you start slashing throats in alleys, kid.”

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