January 24, 2013
I’m Still Here

Hello.

Remember me? I’m Luis. This is my Tumblr. I’ve been ignoring this thing lately. I got busy trying to not be painfully and depressingly broke all the time. Also, my girlfriend and I have been spending a lot of time together, to the point that we might as well move in but neither of us has the money for that. So when I’m not writing for money I’m spending time with the girl that makes me forget I’m so painfully and depressingly broke.

Yesterday I posted my first original Tumblr-only thing in a while. It’s below this post if you’re reading this on the main page. It’s not much; just some silliness I wrote as a distraction from another thing I was writing (for money).

I haven’t checked when I last posted links to some of my paid writing work but here are some notable articles and essays of mine that have recently been published.

For MCD, I waxed non-poetically on how a tattoo explains why Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez still has a job. I dived through five dream layers to pull out this article about the most copied sound in Hollywood, the BRRHHAAAM from Inception. And I vomited and pooped and sneezed and coughed a whole lot just so I could eventually write a first-hand account of how a stupid person like me reacts to getting his ass kicked by a flu and a stomach virus at the same time.

I’ve been pretty focused on Cracked.com stuff; specifically with Quick Fixes. By my probably flawed calculations, there have been 229 Quick Fix articles since the format went live on May 26th, 2012. Eleven of those are mine. Assuming I know how to do basic math — which I know I cannot, but I’m trying — that means 4.8% of all published Quick Fix articles were written by me.  I don’t know if that’s a good number. I don’t even know what that means. I don’t know why I took the time to calculate any of that. What a waste of time. But since I did, I’m going to work my ass off to ensure I get to a full 5% soon. And seeing as I don’t have a degree in astrophysics, I am unqualified figure out how many articles I need to write versus when I need to write them by to reach that goal. If I could do that math I’d be working at NASA and figuring out everyone’s tip at every restaurant I go to just to show off. (Side Note: Tip calculators on phones are amazing).

Some notable recent Quick Fixes include me making fun of Yoko Ono’s shitty clothing line. Also, a totally-still-relevant article about people who are disappointed that the world didn’t end last month. I got ever-so-slightly controversial by writing about people who blew their one shot at glory. And most recently I wrote about how the son from Homeland is a crazy, emotionally dead psycho waiting to explode. That last one, I think, has been criminally under viewed.

In addition to all that, I’ve been doing some side work for Maxim magazine. Yes, that Maxim magazine. The one with the mostly naked ladies on the cover and on every page. Obviously, I can’t link to my work because you can’t link to paper yet, but I can tell you that if you want to read my words in print you should buy yourself a copy of every issue of Maxim in the coming months, starting with the upcoming January/February issue, which will be the first issue my words appear in. Honestly, I don’t even know if I’ll be credited, but the work is fun and the pay is crazy compared to everything else I do. My contributions will be short and featured in the first 10-15 pages of each issue, in a section called Circus Maximus, which is kind of a catch-all of weird and fun facts, trivia, and news bits. I’ll post scans of my sections, assuming I don’t forget to buy a copy for myself, which is entirely likely.

And that’s pretty much it. You’re all caught up with my professional life and a tiny bit with my personal life. As the title of this post suggests, I’m still here. I haven’t abandoned this Tumblr. I hope to post more original stuff soon. I have a tiny web comic project I’ve been working on with the guy who DMs the D&D campaign I’m in. I’ll probably post some of those at some point. And I’ll try to remember to promote any new articles of mine on here as soon as they’re published.

Hope you’re well.

uh…so…bye.

November 6, 2012
A Bunch of New Articles on Cracked and MCD

The posts on here have been infrequent, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had articles being published.

Today being Election Day, I’ve got two Election-based articles. One is a Cracked Quick Fix titled The 6 Most Baffling Trends in 2012 Election Propaganda, and I like it a lot. Read it and share it. I want this one to be huge.

The second Election thing is an MCD article called 5 Things Your Political Leaning Says About You.

And then I’ve got a bunch of MCD stuff that I never get to link here. So here’s a link dump of my own stuff from recent weeks.

3 Fictional Things the Government Had to Tell Us Weren’t Real

Search Engine Obstacle Course

GIF Life Lessons, Part III

The 3 Ways To Protest (According to Recent News Stories)

September 28, 2012
Three MCD Articles in One Week!

It’s been a busy week for me at MCD. Three — count’em, three! — articles of mine hit the front page. And all consecutively. It all started on Wednesday with 5 More Life Lessons Learned From GIFs. Then things took a turn for the timely and the technical with The 4 Worst Moments of The NFL Replacement Referees. The trilogy comes to an end today with Yahoo! Answers: Ask A Stupid Question Day Edition.

Take some time to read them and spread them around. Wait…you won’t? Wow. You have no problem being an asshole, do you?

September 26, 2012
New MCD Article — 5 More Life Lessons Learned From GIFs

I wrote an article back in June that got no love, probably because MCD didn’t has a strong a following as it does now. We’re not breaking any barriers, traffic wise, but we actually have people coming to the site regularly now, which is nice. Anyway, the original article, Five Life Lessons Learned from GIFs, is one of my favorites so far for MCD, and today’s article, its sequel, 5 More Life Lessons Learned From GIFs, is probably better, in my totally biased opinion. I hope to write a 3rd in the series to round out the trilogy. These are too much fun to write.

Read them both if you haven’t already. Hope you like them. And if you do, give’em a Facebook Like, maybe a tweet, and pass it along to someone else.

September 19, 2012
New MDC Article…Again! Four Robotic Body Parts Combined to Make Frankensexdoll

This is a video featured in my latest Man Cave Daily article. What you’re seeing there is an “expressive” robotic ass. Read the article, Four Robotic Body Parts Combined to Make Frankensexdoll, and you, too, will want the world of robotics to get its act together and combine these freak machines in to the ultimate freak machine.

And for those keeping score at home, that’s two MDC articles in one week.

Read the article, or your next child will be born with a lot weird facial ticks. That’s a promise and a threat.

September 18, 2012
New MDC Article — 5 Ridiculously Artsy Video Games

I wrote this one about 2 months ago, but it got lost in the shuffle. My editor and I both assumed it had already been published. We were wrong, and we be dumb and shit. Anyway, read it, and play some of the games on the list. A few might be pretentious as hell, but fun, original experiences nonetheless.

5 Ridiculously Artsy Video Games

September 17, 2012
Latest Man Cave Daily Stuff

I don’t really have a set day for my Man Cave Daily articles. I write them, and Brendan, my editor, posts them when he needs content. It usually amounts to an article a week; sometimes two. These two were fun to write and research, and they make up my past two weeks of MDC articles.

The first (chronologically) was 5 Most Bizarre Disney Short Films. If you want to realize that Walt Disney once made some pretty disgusting, jingoistic, warmongering short animated films, read the article.

The second article, Ecce Homo: The Ridiculous Life Cycle of A Painting Restoration, is about an immensely fucked up painting restoration that saw Jesus turn in to a monkey’s puckered, furry butthole. Of course, by saying that, I’m trying to have my cake and eat it, too. Why? Read the article and find out.

And why can’t I have cake and eat it? I bought the fucking thing. I should be able to eat the thing.

September 6, 2012
Oh, yeah. I’m a columnist for ManCave

So, it seems I’ve been neglecting the main reason I started this Tumblr blog — shamelessly promoting my shit. Ever since I left Holy Taco I’ve been writing articles for a site called Man Cave Daily, which is run by Cracked columnist and all-around funny/nice guy Brendan McGinley. I write a couple feature-length articles a week for MCD, a few of which run every month. I’ve even been elevated to the status of columnist, with a snazzy banner image forthcoming. It’s a fun job, and I have a lot of freedom to write pretty much whatever I want.

For no reason whatsoever, I’ve stopped posting the articles I write for other sites here. I think I became so caught up with trying to create original content for this Tumblr thing that posting stuff from somewhere else started to feel cheap. The thing is, I am cheap; I am a shameless self-promoter, I just don’t want to admit it.

So, here’s a link to my writer profile, and here’s a link to my columnist profile. When I became a columnist, only the articles I wrote as a columnist were listed under the columnist link. Click the first link to see everything I’ve written for MCD.

And here are my favorite articles so far…

Five Instances When Fake Breasts Saved Lives

Five Strange Things You Accept in a Female-Dominated Domicile

Five Life Lessons Learned from GIFs

5 Terrible Things Theme Parks Make You Realize about Humanity

How to Be a Modern Cable News Journalist in 8 Easy Steps

Cutting-Edge Tech Ad Was Much Better as 1990 Comedy Skit

Recipes For The Lonely: How To Cook For One

Read’em, like’em, share’em.

Liked posts on Tumblr: More liked posts »