Remember me? I’m Luis. This is my Tumblr. I’ve been ignoring this thing lately. I got busy trying to not be painfully and depressingly broke all the time. Also, my girlfriend and I have been spending a lot of time together, to the point that we might as well move in but neither of us has the money for that. So when I’m not writing for money I’m spending time with the girl that makes me forget I’m so painfully and depressingly broke.
Yesterday I posted my first original Tumblr-only thing in a while. It’s below this post if you’re reading this on the main page. It’s not much; just some silliness I wrote as a distraction from another thing I was writing (for money).
I haven’t checked when I last posted links to some of my paid writing work but here are some notable articles and essays of mine that have recently been published.
For MCD, I waxed non-poetically on how a tattoo explains why Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez still has a job. I dived through five dream layers to pull out this article about the most copied sound in Hollywood, the BRRHHAAAM from Inception. And I vomited and pooped and sneezed and coughed a whole lot just so I could eventually write a first-hand account of how a stupid person like me reacts to getting his ass kicked by a flu and a stomach virus at the same time.
I’ve been pretty focused on Cracked.com stuff; specifically with Quick Fixes. By my probably flawed calculations, there have been 229 Quick Fix articles since the format went live on May 26th, 2012. Eleven of those are mine. Assuming I know how to do basic math — which I know I cannot, but I’m trying — that means 4.8% of all published Quick Fix articles were written by me. I don’t know if that’s a good number. I don’t even know what that means. I don’t know why I took the time to calculate any of that. What a waste of time. But since I did, I’m going to work my ass off to ensure I get to a full 5% soon. And seeing as I don’t have a degree in astrophysics, I am unqualified figure out how many articles I need to write versus when I need to write them by to reach that goal. If I could do that math I’d be working at NASA and figuring out everyone’s tip at every restaurant I go to just to show off. (Side Note: Tip calculators on phones are amazing).
Some notable recent Quick Fixes include me making fun of Yoko Ono’s shitty clothing line. Also, a totally-still-relevant article about people who are disappointed that the world didn’t end last month. I got ever-so-slightly controversial by writing about people who blew their one shot at glory. And most recently I wrote about how the son from Homeland is a crazy, emotionally dead psycho waiting to explode. That last one, I think, has been criminally under viewed.
In addition to all that, I’ve been doing some side work for Maxim magazine. Yes, that Maxim magazine. The one with the mostly naked ladies on the cover and on every page. Obviously, I can’t link to my work because you can’t link to paper yet, but I can tell you that if you want to read my words in print you should buy yourself a copy of every issue of Maxim in the coming months, starting with the upcoming January/February issue, which will be the first issue my words appear in. Honestly, I don’t even know if I’ll be credited, but the work is fun and the pay is crazy compared to everything else I do. My contributions will be short and featured in the first 10-15 pages of each issue, in a section called Circus Maximus, which is kind of a catch-all of weird and fun facts, trivia, and news bits. I’ll post scans of my sections, assuming I don’t forget to buy a copy for myself, which is entirely likely.
And that’s pretty much it. You’re all caught up with my professional life and a tiny bit with my personal life. As the title of this post suggests, I’m still here. I haven’t abandoned this Tumblr. I hope to post more original stuff soon. I have a tiny web comic project I’ve been working on with the guy who DMs the D&D campaign I’m in. I’ll probably post some of those at some point. And I’ll try to remember to promote any new articles of mine on here as soon as they’re published.
Hope you’re well.